Ch. 2: ExtraSucky Perception

Derrick's new address (and he hopes to stay there for a while) is 422 Apache Lane. It's a 5x6 lot next to a church. After quickly setting up his bed and other bare necessities, Derrick walked up to the sidewalk in front of his new home. He looked around, wondering if anyone delivers the newspaper in his street. He spotted an old woman in a gypsy outfit walking down the sidewalk. The woman approached him and introduced herself as a world-renowned matchmaking expert. Her exact words were, "Hello, I am Lady Beth Larrea, a world-renowned matchmaking expert. Welcome to the neighborhood! May I offer you my services?"


Derrick's not one to believe in crystal-ball-wielding psychic powers, but he has a penchant for helping out old ladies (even cranky ones). Lady Beth seemed like a nice person. She assured him that her matchmaking service was free, but he's welcome to give her a donation of any amount. Even though he only had a few hundred simoleons left in his pocket, Derrick gave her $70 and some change.

"Would you like to tell me anything about yourself that you think would help me find a great match for you, or would you like to leave it up to my incredible intuitive skills?" Lady Beth asked, ready to wave her crystal ball at Derrick's face.

"Uh, I guess you're into astrology and stuff. I'm a Leo. I'm pretty outgoing [7] but not the nicest guy in the world. I am playful [6] though--I love fun games because they brighten up my often grouchy [3] temperament. I'm not very active [4], and I don't mind a little messiness [4]. I want to get married as soon as possible. I also think brown hair & well-fitting swimsuits are hot."


"Hmm, I'm sensing an important part of your personality that you're hiding," Lady Beth said. "Do you have any childhood abandonment issues? Were you adopted, sent off to boarding school against your will? Something like that...I you think I'm prying, you don't have to answer that."

Derrick was a bit surprised at the matchmaker's somewhat accurate guesses. "I'm not comfortable answering such questions. You're not entirely wrong, I have to say."

"Aha! So I am right," Lady Beth exclaimed in self-satisfaction. "Now I have for SURE figured out a picture-perfect match for you." She waved her hands frantically in the air to summon Derrick's blind date.


"I think you will have a good time with a social worker, my dear," said Lady Beth. "This one here specializes in troubled children. She would take extremely good care of you."

The idea of dating a social worker must have really hit a nerve, because Derrick's eyes suddenly welled up with tears. "Not to question your 'instincts', Lady, but I am NOT a child anymore. I'm not any more 'troubled' than any other normal person. I don't need a mother or a babysitter, I want a girlfriend! Sheesh." He can't stand people assuming that he's too dumb and weak to take care of himself. Lady Beth didn't get him at all.


Derrick went into super-grouchy mode and spent 10 minutes glowering at the social worker with his arms crossed. The social worker made no attempts to be friendly and scowled at him back. She didn't seem to find him the least bit attractive. Derrick shooed her & the matchmaker off his property. After they left, he sat on the ground, feeling so misunderstood and mad with frustration. He started swaying back & forth while blabbering gibberish. Someone must have seen him and called a shrink.


"Leave me alone," Derrick said when the shrink appeared. Then he resumed uttering gibberish.
"There now," said the shrink. "You can't stay like this, or you won't be able to accomplish anything you want. Look at this giant lot! Are you going to let it go to waste just because you couldn't handle a bad date? Pish tosh!"

The shrink had more common sense than he looked. Derrick calmed down and felt normal again. The shrink rushed off somewhere else, and Derrick called a cab to take him to the nearest bar.


"I doubt I will find many girls that I would want to date in this small town," Derrick contemplated as he finished his rum and Coke. "I hope I will not end up settling down with someone less than perfect for me."